TANNERTIME

50-50goodbadthing asked: Not meaning to toot my own horn here insofar as going "I'm so accepting!" but if you were missing parts of your goddamn face I would still hang with you. You could look like a fucking Lovecraftian beast and I'd still chill with you, even if we had some hurdles to get across. I understand you can't take any of this seriously because somewhere inside you KNOW it can't be true, but this knowledge is flawed. There are people out there who really don't give a shit what you look like.

I’m glad to hear that. I know how irrational I’m being but I can never seem to do anything about it; at least I can curb it when that kind of horrible, judgemental shit is directed at other people because with them I know I’m being shitty, but for some reason when it’s directed inwardly it’s completely 100% true and accurate and it just ruins me every time. I can’t even bear to look at myself properly in the mirror.

When I have to fix my hair, I look at my hair. When I’ve got to claw the dirt out of my awful skin I get close enough that I don’t see my whole face. I don’t look anywhere higher than my collarbone when I get dressed. I’m like Mum-Ra, unable to bear the horror of my own reflection. ._.

People keep saying that changing what I look like would never make me better but when I know exactly what I would change - what I’ve been trying to change for years - that seems unlikely to me. I know what I want to look like. I just can’t get there, no matter what I do. My face and body literally never change. I went to the gym five nights a week, I changed my diet, I stopped taking the pill, I did everything I could think of. There’s nothing wrong with my thyroid and I don’t have any medical conditions that would affect my weight but the fat just won’t budge no matter what. Not understanding why hasn’t helped and now I’ve just given up all together. I eat whatever and don’t do any exercise. Again, nothing’s changed. I might have gained a little weight but on the whole I am still exactly the fucking same. I hate that I don’t understand why this happens and it infuriates me.

I hate literally everything about my body and I am not used to being unable to fix my problems myself. The fact that I can’t win no matter how hard I try just makes this all about a hundred times worse; I know what I want to achieve but I can’t do it, and for no fucking reason.

This is becoming a long post. Sorry.

Thanks so much for your support.