AAAAAAAAARRGHFHJGVHNFSDDBLBLBL I FINISHED SKYWARD SWORD.

This was a good game and I would recommend it to anyone, especially those of you who enjoyed Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask when you were a kid like I did.

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT.

So remember how in more than one of the Mortal Kombats, the second-last boss was SUPER HARD and then the actual final boss was a fucking breeze in comparison? I felt like this happened when I fought Final Ghirahim directly followed by Demise, but I don’t know if it’s just because my brain was actually working tonight and I figured out what I was supposed to do relatively quickly.

Even the boss fights in LoZ games are puzzles, in a way. Once you figure out the solution the actual fighting becomes easy; Boss Rush mode was a piece of piss because I already knew what I was supposed to be doing to beat the bosses. I unlocked Hero Mode, so hopefully that will provide a challenge when I get into it.

Still, Demise was pretty fucking awesome and I wish we’d seen more of him before he appeared literally in the few minutes before I had to fight him and kill him. He looked a good deal more threatening and imposing in humanoid form than he did as “The Imprisoned” and he seemed like a pretty cool guy, telling Link he didn’t mind waiting a few minutes longer while Link sorted his shit out before coming and fighting him considering he’s been hanging around for fuck only knows how long already.

Also seeing Ghirahim doing a little dance around Zelda and humming his own fucking theme before he started his ritual to reawaken Demise was singularly hilarious and I think he’s brilliant. Sassiest and most fabulous demon ever. Six thumbs up for Ghirahim. All of the thumbs up for Ghirahim.All of them.

I think one of the best parts of the game, coming to that, was hacking through waves and waves of bokoblins - nearly all of which are one-hit kills - on my way down to the Final Ghirahim boss battle. That was fucking awesome and I loved it. Link is a vicious, merciless killer.

By the end of the game I had quite a few names for the little robot, Scrapper, that Gondo gave us. These included but were not limited to:

  • Fucker
  • Crapper
  • Wanker
  • Shithead
  • That Mouthy Little Cunt
  • Call Me That One More Time And I’ll Slap Your Shit So Hard I Swear You Little Asshole

He was not popular with us.

I think a fair part of that was because he liked Fi when I found her tremendously annoying and a pain in the ass, right up to the end of the game. If I’d been able to pay her to shut up, I would have done. I had more money than I knew what to do with by the end of the game and I swear I would have given every Rupee to make her shut up and leave me alone or at least to get the opportunity to punch her in the mouth or something. At least with Navi it was easy enough to imagine catching her in a bag and throwing her in the lake or something. There was no getting rid of this bitch and she was seldom ever helpful.

Oh, your time with me made you happy, did it? That’s great, Fi. I’m glad my suffering and aggravation made you happy. You contributed to it hugely.

Speaking of suffering, Skyward Sword isn’t unlike previous Zelda games in the sense that everything is super bright and colourful and yet if you look just a little way below the surface, horrors are lurking there. In fact, the game is just generally outwardly creepy in a lot of ways without one having to dig terribly deeply at all. A lot of weird shit happens in Skyward Sword.

I’m fairly certain after everything that happened to him that Link is going to spend the rest of his life suffering from pretty severe PTSD. The Silent Realms alone would be enough to leave anyone with long-term anxiety problems, never mind the fact that he was a perfectly happy - and not to mention lazy - kid living in Skyloft until all of this responsibility was suddenly shunted onto him. Mostly the Silent Realms, though. They were fucking terrifying. That poor kid is going to have issues forever.

Link might have been a fucking chump to stay on the surface with Zelda, although one would assume that it wouldn’t be a problem to go back to Skyloft whenever they wanted considering how easy it was for Link to pop back and forth during his quest. It’d be a shame if he never saw Groose again considering how far they came together.

By the end of the game I had well and truly dubbed Groose a Bro of Highest Order and would still have found him far more helpful than Fi during pretty much everything I did. I’m sad that he and Link never hugged. I feel like they should have done. It would have been right and good if they’d hugged. ._. 

It also would have been right and good if Ghirahim had licked Link’s neck or sucked his ear. Or both. Just sayin’.

I guess I’d also like to comment on the fact that Link is a stone badass and the toughest motherfucker who ever lived. In spite of his size and skinny frame, Link is ridiculously strong and one has to wonder if he was always like that and, if he was, how the fuck did Groose not know about it, why the fuck would you try to pick on him if you knew he was a superhuman fuckbeast? He’s a fucking destroyer of worlds. Never mind that he’d have to be intelligent to boot to figure out all of those puzzles and what have you by himself, and ludicrously agile.

Look at the things he does. Link doesn’t give a shit. Anytime shit goes down he just gets his Serious Face on and he goes and does business. When the Serious Face comes out, murder is going to happen. It’s a certainty, an eventuality rather than a mere possibility. He appears deceptively submissive and wide-eyed, maybe even a little stupid, most of the time. That all stops when the Serious Face comes out.


He intends to kill you. That means that he is going to kill you, and there is nothing you can do about it.

You are already dead.

And yet at the same time he’s fucking adorable. Even when he’s angry he’s fucking adorable. He’s a cold-blooded, remorseless killer and yet right at the end of the game when he’s really, really mad and his little nose scrunches up and and and.

And.

I don’t even have a reaction image. He’s the cutest little deathbringer I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. He’s a vicious little bastard but dear lords I could cuddle him forever.

I fully intend to draw a bunch of shit relating to Skyward Sword in the very near future.

A lot of it will probably be gay porn but, be honest, you were expecting that.

  1. drtanner posted this